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[1] out of the closet * Want to come out? [06 Aug 2006|10:16pm] [ mood | depressed ] Well the summer is almost over. I am both sadden and happy about it. At the moment I really don't know how I feel about much. There is one thing that I learned this while working in Adrian and that is this coming semester at Adrian (my last semester at Adrian) is going to blow hard core. All summer it has been running through my head that all my friends have graduated, but I would think to myself, "That is okay Tom! Though you did lose the friends that you have grown very close to over the past few years, you have plenty of other friends to help get you through this very depressing/emotional semester. You can grow close to them much like you had to do after leaving high school." So I have been trying this over the summer and have learned that I could not have been more wrong. I have lost my niche here at Adrian after everyone graduated in April. Those friends who I thought I would start to try to grow close to want really nothing to do with me and I guess I can understand since they have other friends. I have turned into the creepy third wheel old guy who didn't graduate on time. There is George who claims that we are sooooooo fucking close but when it comes to us hanging out he always has a million and one reasons why he forgot and went and hung out with other people. There is Bryan my roomate over the summer and my youngest little who doesn't really talk to me a whole lot but when it comes to anyone else, well hell he will up at the chance to hang with them. Example One: Me: Hey Bryan want to go and get ice-cream. Bryan: No I just joined a group in Everquest and we are...blah blah blah blah (at this point I have no idea what he is saying since the nerd level is through the roof and it is very apparent that he does not want to go.) Me: Well maybe some other time.... Bryan: (No response since he is now to focused on the game) TWO DAYS LATER: (Bryan is playing Everyquest and I am sitting on the couch bored out of my mind pretending to read a book but I have no attention span because my boredom is slowly eating at my brain.) Enters George and Jessie: George: Hey Bryan want to go get ice-cream with us. Bryan: Okay! (quickly jumps up and runs out the door) George: Bye Tom! Me: I sit there wondering if I had gone invisible all of a sudden and was forgotten. I think to myself..."Wow it is great to have friends who never forget about you and want to spend time hanging out." Example Two: The time is five o'clock and it is about time to go get dinner. Me: Hey Bryan want to go dinner, I am starving. Bryan: Not even bothering to turn away from his computer. "No...not hungry" Twenty minutes later.... George enters the room George: Hey Bryan want to get a pizza Bryan: Yeah I am starving! Me: Shit my pants George: Okay well lets go Bryan: Gets up and leaves (sound of me hitting my head on my desk after the leave. Since once again my wonderful friends have forgotten to me again.) I don't know what I am going to do this coming semester. If I do hang out with any of them I really don't say a whole lot because the pressure of being the third is overwelming. I am so fustrated at the moment. I am glad I am so loved.

[6] out of the closet * Want to come out? [18 Dec 2005|04:30pm] Well today is my birthday. Whatever that means. I was hoping that I would have a lot of fun today but it turns out like every other year, this year was no different. They friends that I am staying with...I don't even know what to say. I am having fun but still I am really pissed that I have spend my birthday sitting on my ass and doing nothing, after I was told that I would be having soooo much fun. I was going to go play cards with Josh and his father but I figured that if I stayed behind that maybe Joel and I would have some time to hang out. Since he has hardly spoken to me the three days I have been here. It frustrates me so much. If he didn't want me to come then he should have just told me. I could have stayed in Adrian alone and been far less frustarted. I have tried time and time again just to start the most simple of conversations with him, resulting in either him ignoring me or bitching at me. Then I get pissed and he will get even more mad at me. I don't understand it. How can I be someones really good friend who we talked all the time and shit...one week and then the next I am lucky to even get a dirty look from them. I would have tried to find a way to leave by now but Josh's family is really nice and I like them. I just would feel really bad cutting out when they have been to nice. But I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I mean I thought I was coming here to hang out with Joel and everyone but I have not really seen any of them. I will give Josh credit though...he tries to talk to me as much as he can and I understand he is really busy. But with Joel...I don't know. I don't know what to say or do with out him getting pissed at me, even when I try to tell him that I am not in a bad mood he either has to tell me I am lying or say something that will piss me off. I understand that he is under a lot of stress because he is home, but why in the hell do I have to be the brunt of it. What did I do wrong? Whatever I guess I should not care and just find some way to get back to Adrian. Which I am trying very hard to get.

[1] out of the closet * Want to come out? [17 Dec 2005|01:21pm] [ mood | frustrated ] Well I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks. I have come to a lot of decisions and still have many questions yet to be answered. I am slowly coming to terms with what has recently has been going on. I will not deny that it has hurt a lot but for some reason not as bad has it has in the past. I guess I am just getting used to it. I think that the reason I am not as upset about it as I usually am is the fact that it was really nice while it lasted and I don't want to mess up those memories. I really don't know what I should do next. I think I will just take my last step back and end it all. I know that will be best and they will not even care or notice. I think that is what they are waiting for me to do and do not want to tell me. Well I can take a hint and oh well. I did really shitty last semester and I have to do a lot better next semester. I am also tired of people. I have slowly started making a mental list of those who I will be cutting off all social ties with next semester. I know they will not even notice or care...lol...but I really do not care. I have been really tired lately. I do not know why but oh well. Oh plus Dre has graduated...my big is gone. I knew I was going to be sad over it but it has shocked me just how depressed I have been. I want him to come back but I know he cannot. I don't think I have been this upset about someone leaving Adrian. I know he and I never really talked about personal stuff but he was my big. I think I was the closest with him out of most everyone in the fraternity. And now that Andrew and Joel are moving out of the house I feel really alone. Oh well I guess. Next year though I am excited because I will be living with James. That should be fun...lol! I guess I should get started on my last paper that is due tomorrow. Stupid Entomology.

[1] out of the closet * Want to come out? DAMN YOU WINTER.... [24 Nov 2005|04:24pm] [ mood | cold ] So I was so bored/lonely last night that I decided to try and make a snow man. Needless to say it did not go very well. I remember now why I hated making them as a child. I made the first section and was very proud of myself because it looked very much like a large ball, closer then I have ever gotten. Then I make the second half and put on the first. There began my troubles. After placing the two together the first one caved in on itself from the weight. I was depressed that my new friend fell apart to quickly. We did not even have time to get into our first argument which would have resulted in me beating him to death with so sort of blunt object. I tried to save him by rebuilding him but the lack of feeling in my hands made it hard. I then got frustrated and started kicking what was left of him yelling my hatred for him. Then I realized that I needed to get inside before the neighbors saw me acting insane and call the police on me. Once inside I started to gain feeling my hands and thought to myself that just maybe being by yourself on holidays is not a good thing. A person starts to go a little insane after a while. But I chose to be alone and it isn't that bad. Though I really have not done anything besides just sit in my room thinking of all the things I need to do. Then take a nap because of all the thinking I did wore me out...lol. I walked to work today and nearly froze to death. Damn is it cold out! So it is Thanksgiving I wonder what I will cook for myself tonight, that is what I was thinking all the way to work. Then I realized I work till midnight, which answered my question....nothing! This really didn't bother me since about to steps later I tripped over my own foot and fell face first into the snow. Well I didn't want to take my hands out of my coat because they were warm in there. So my face was sacrificed. I really do hate the winter and rightfully so since it hates me. Damn winter for always making me cold and trying to freeze me to death in your icy grip of death. I guess I should get back to work...ugh!

[4] out of the closet * Want to come out? [21 Nov 2005|02:34pm] [ mood | frustrated ] Well elections were last night. Once again life gave me the finger. I do not understand how my three and a half years in this fraternity were seen as a waste to so many people. For the past years I have put so much into this organization only for all to be thrown into my face as big pile of use less shit. A little birdie told me today that the reason I lost both the positions of President and Vice President is because I am not profession. I believe that to be a big of dog shit. I will admit that I did have one instance that I was not very profession at all and I have admitted to that on several occasions. I was hoping that everyone would realize that I am not perfect. But I guess not. I also guess that all the time and energy I put into everything that I did here meant nothing to everyone. I have never tried so hard with something in my whole life like I did with ATO. For years I have busted my ass around here trying to make ATO the best that it could be. It was very hard. I spent many late nights getting things done so that we would met dead lines or get paper work in after many of the guys dropped the ball. I nearly drove myself to insanity trying to get parties finished and done on time when once again no one did what they were supposed to. I spend my whole summer trying to organize a plan for a great Rush, once again very few did what they were supposed to do and it was left to me to pick up the pieces. It was stated at the beginning of the meeting to look at these elections in unbiased eyes. But after I gave my speech all people would question me on was on how I would improve myself which are very good questions and there are always room for improvement but not once did anyone stop and ask what I did right. I guess I did nothing right. No one stopped to think of my three semesters of being V.P. or my countless other positions I had held. Instead they kept dwelling on the fact that one time I let my temper get the best of me. But that was only once. They have no idea how frustrating it is to be in charge of internal affairs of an organization like this. An organization were very few pull their own weight and how when anything goes wrong it is always your fault. Not the fault of the others who were supposed to do what they were told to do. People around here have a problem with giving credit where credit is due. When anything ever went well it was always either the President or the Mem-ed who got the claps on the back. Never me. Whatever I guess. As long as I know I did a good job that is all that should matter. It just really upsets me that some of these guys that have watched me struggle to hold this place together just blatantly disregarded all of that. None of them spoke out for me. Instead they spoke out against me. And I just ask for people not to feed me the bullshit that, "Well you will have more time to relax now" Because I will not. I know that once again...like always before they will come to me and think that I will save all of their asses. I did learn that what you think you have done so well really does not matter to those around you because they just do not understand. It just really hurt that no one could understand how much I loved doing what I did and that sometimes these guy need a bite in the ass to get their shit done. Because if they do not they will not do it. I feel very defeated at the moment. I do have to thank Dre. for taking the time yesterday to try and talk to me while others have not. He actually asked to go for a walk while others just ask if I am ok and when I lie and say yes...when they know I am lieing... they stop caring. I am also pissed that during the meeting when I was leaving to help count votes someone tried to give me a high five and I ignored them...because I was not in the mood to give them one. They said, "Well I guess he hates us." Which Steve Neil responded with, "That is all right. We hate him." I was not even out of the fucking room yet. Way to make me feel more like shit guess. I will never devote as much time as I did to ATO to anything else. I have learned that it means nothing in the eyes of others if they are getting what they want out of it. I am also tried of always hearing how the President has done a great job with getting things turned around this semester. Has nobody seen that it was a collective work. But no....I have just sat on my ass for three semesters doing nothing other then fingering myself. Thanks guys!!! Maybe I am just over reacting since I am such a shitty person and have no idea what professionalism is. Whatever I guess...I have bit my tongue so many times. But it is over now. I should not care. But I do since I have so much love for ATO, but I guess it does not feel the same way about me. I know now that not even my friends understand what I have gone through and the things I have done. Thanks again

[2] out of the closet * Want to come out? [20 Nov 2005|05:50pm] [ mood | confused ] Well I have decided that I am done with college. I really don't know. I have assumed the life of a hermit in a way. I am very confused at the moment about a great many things. I lay awake at night thinking about them and the answers never seem to come. Just more questions. I know I have a problem with looking into things to much. Also lately I have been having problems with eating. When I eat something my stomach tells me to fuck off and then quickly removes it from my body. So I do not eat and then my stomach bitches me out for not feeding its fat ass. So I have decided just not to feed it until it realizes that I am in charge and for it to stop being a bitch. I hope in the end my stomach will lose and be reminded that I am the winner. I also cannot wait for Christmas break. This will be the first time in many years that I am looking forward to that holiday.

[4] out of the closet * Want to come out? [18 Nov 2005|02:55am] [ mood | confused ] I really do not know how I am going to finish this semester. It has been a very rough ride so far. I am finding that everyday my anger fuse is getting smaller and smaller. I also am beginning to feel distant again. I really do not want to be any where or around anyone. Well not everyone but some people. I am getting very edgy with some of my friends for pointless things. I am also very confused with many things as of lately. I really do not know what I want or should do. I do know that after this week I completely stopped talking to a couple of people. I really do not know why other then after seeing them I became far to emotional. I think that what upset me so much is the fact that they got to me. I do not want that to happen. It does not matter much though...I doubt either of them considered me much of a friend any way. So it was probably all for the best that I have cut all ties, though there were none to begin with. Whatever I guess...why am I such a fuck up. I have also been hearing all week about how much ATO sucks. I am really getting sick of this too. One girl went as far as saying that ATOs are the left overs of greek life. I found that very cute. Once again my anger bomb went off and I hunted her down to tell her how much of a stupid bitch she is and it would be a great thing if her mother would have swallowed. I am very proud to be an ATO. We are no better or worse then any other greek organization on this campus in my opinion. We have our problems and strengths. Oh well...I guess I am just blind to realize that I am a member of the "Island of Misfit Toys".

[4] out of the closet * Want to come out? [08 Nov 2005|04:43am] [ mood | frustrated ] I am extremely frustrated at the moment with a lot of things, exspecially people and school. I really just do not care anymore. After trying so fucking hard with somethings it seems pointless to go on with them. The biggest thing that has been pissing me off lately is certain people. I guess I would not say that I am pissed but more frustrated with individuals. I know I have a lot of friends but I am also always trying to make new ones. I am a very social person at times. But lately the people I have been trying to be friends with have been leading to dead ends. I don't know why I am so concerned with this. I guess when you try really hard to be friends with someone it blows big balls when they keep bitching about how they have not friends or how nobody likes them. Whatever I guess...I tried! If they do not want to be friends with me and instead what to chase after others then I guess I should not care. I have plenty of other friends much better ones that care about me. I am really tired of feeling alone, not in a relationship sense I guess, since I have never been in one. I just feel alone. I don't know why. I just do. If one more person tells me how awesome their life is going right now, how hard it is to choose between several people to doink, or how awesome it is to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I will DESTROY something! After finding out that I would be here at Adrian for an extra year I was rather depressed...and still am. At first I thought I would be really happy to hear that but it really has upset me. Exspecailly the more I think about it. Most of my friends will be leaving, though I still have a lot of awesome people that I know here...it will not be the same. And I don't want to be the creepy fifth year kid. Lately I just have been displeased with everything. I have fucked up a lot in the past few weeks and the more they play through my head the more it hurts. I know what will make it better...I will just remove those people from my life. I doubt they will even notice or care. In some unrelated good news...I have another little. Woot! One Bryan Paps will be joining my happy line. That will mean I know have four happy little sons...lol! I really do love my kiddos...Adam, Steve-O, Dominic, and Bryan. Oh and Steve-O now has a little now too, George, which means I am now a grandfather. I am so happy to see four generations of my family grow...lol! Oh..I guess this would now make Dre a great grandfather...lol. Oh fraternities can be so much fun at times..lol! Viva La ATO!!!

[2] out of the closet * Want to come out? I hate bugs... [03 Nov 2005|04:07pm] [ mood | frustrated ] Well I took my Entomology lab exam today....boy oh boy! Talk about a fuck fest. You would figure that my four weeks or so of studying for this damn test would have resulted in me doing pretty well. Guess what fuckers...WRONG!! I am so damn frustrated at the moment with that class. I put so much time and engry into it. Ignoring all my other classes, which is has turned out to be a realy bad idea. Why am I such a fucking dumbass. One of the slides was a fucking Symphla...I knew it was one but for some reason I second guessed myself and wrote down that it was a Chilopoda. Ugh! It is not my life long mission to destroy every Damselflie that I see since they fucked me over hard core on the damn test.

[5] out of the closet * Want to come out? The mis-adventures of one T-Moore.... [15 Oct 2005|12:55pm] [ mood | sick ] So I went to Goldsmith so find out what I was dying from. As of now I have no idea what I am infected with. The nurse that I was seeing took one look at me and said, "that isn't good!" A response that I really did not wish to be uttered from a doctor/nurse/whatever. I looked at her with shock and fear and asked what isn't good? A million things started flying through my little head that could be wrong with my throat and none of them were very fun. "Sweet Tap Dancing Jesus Christ," I thought, "Why in the hell does this always have to happen to me?" She then stabbed me in the mouth with a thermometer turned around and started writing things down. She then laid her medical wisdom onto me..."It can be one of three things." Thank Bryan Paps, I thought. "It is either Strep Throat, Mono, or both." The first really didn't take me by surprise but the second and third ones did. She then turned to me and looked at me neck and said, "from now on I hope you are more careful who you make out with." I was again so shocked by this that I spit the thermometer out at her. What...make out with people...clearly this woman doesn't know me. Tom Moore doesn't not make out with people...well ok most of the time doesn't make out with people. When he does it is usually the result of a night of heavy drinking. After collecting my shattered self respect I told her I had no idea what she was talking about. Of course this could not happen to me at a better time. In just a few days I have another oral exam in my Advanced German Conversation class. This is going to be cute...McNeer already hates me for several reasons... example 1.) I speak German with a French accent. After I tried explaining to him that I have had five years of French swimming around in my head that it is hard to just push it away and that I think from English to French then to German. His response....he doesn't care what my problem is just as long as I don't do it again. example 2.) I am a big fucking idiot. Well he has not really come out and said it quite like that but I can read in between the lines...lol! After my first oral exam with him he suggested suicide to me as a way to help improve my German. So I thought that maybe my speaking skills were not that bad with my illness and just maybe...just maybe...they would be improve. So I gave it a try during my German Speaking Societies class. Finding out that indeed no I could not speak a damn word with out my throat trying to jump out of my body. It took so much of what little energy that I had to read out loud, that I passed out shortly after finishing. When I regained consciousness the class was looking at me with both pity and horror. I guess that is when they realized that I was dying from the plague. Later after class I had two of my fellow students approach me to inform me just how much like shit I looked. I told them that I was feeling just fine though I did find out earlier that morning that I had contracted the West Nile Virus. I must have been pretty convincing because they looked at each and ran away.

[4] out of the closet * Want to come out? [11 Oct 2005|09:29pm] [ mood | crushed ] Well it was quite a mid-semester break for me. This has probably been one of the greatest and most crappy weekends so far this semester. It started off looking like crap when we were leaving for Cedar Point to work on Saturday and Sunday. It actually turned out to be a lot of fun though. I made a little kid cry and got to watch lots of people make idiots out of themselves. Oh by the way I was working the ladder climb game. I tried it a couple of times but soon came to the conclusion that the game was not made for retarded people like me so I gave up on mastering it. My first twelve hour work day there was all right. Though it rained and was cold the whole time I had Dre, Stephenie and Nesishawn there to make sure I didn't go insane and start killing people. The second day was far better for the fact that the weather had cleared up...which I give credit to Bryan for since he is my new god and he proclaimed George has his Jesus and myself as his Peter. So I guess that makes me the wang of god...lol! After we got back on Sunday I spent that night trying to get back feeling in my legs and feet then went to bed. When I woke up I proclaimed Monday to be a lazy day...after getting a million phone calls from credit card people, who are now number three on my shit list. Later that night after I got off of work I thought that I would just relax around the house but that was quickly changed lots of people demanding my time and attention...some of which involved sex toy catalogs. I have to admit right now that my self-esteem is at an all time low. I really don't like bitching about this because I feel like a high school girl when I do it but it is something that needs to be gotten off my chest. I have been told a lot lately that I am a very stoic looking person. In my opinion that is a very good thing but I guess to the rest of the world it is a bad thing. A lot of people have been bringing it to my attention as well that I always look pissed off. It isn't that I am pissed off it is just that I have nothing to smile about. I am just in a state of nothingness, which has been slowly eating away at me lately. I have been trying really hard lately to act like the usual happy me but I just cannot do it anymore. I also was put into a situation this weekend that I willly got myself into and it resulted in me hating myself even more. I really don't know what my deal is. I wish I could be good looking like most of the other guys. I being the average guy. I mean what the fuck it the average guy any way. Whatever I guess. I should just say fuck it and go on but I cannot. It really upsets me when people tell me that I have shitty social skills and look at me as if I am some sort of run away mutant on the lose. I had a lot of time to think about this this weekend when I went on a little walk from some where because I couldn't stand being the third wheel and having the feeling that I was just in the way the whole time. Ugh...oh well I guess...live and let learn. Just when I start feeling good about myself someone always has to come along and destroy it for me. I mean I am so bad with my own image that I cannot even look at myself naked in a mirror let alone think about it...shudders at thought! I know I can hear most of my friends telling me to just suck it up and stop being a sad Sally. But I cannot...Monday night/Tuesday morning kinda was the breaking point for me. Plus instead of me dealing with this in a semi-decent manner I just turn into a huge dick about it to everyone. I wonder what I am doing wrong? I know what I should do to fix this image problem...but I do not have time nor the energy to take off to the gym everyday. God knows thaw would turn me into something that I hate. I don't want that to rule my life. I want to be happy with what I am and I want people to be happy with that too. I don't want them looking at me funny and asking why I don't do sports. At the moment I really don't want to be around anyone...but can't stand to be alone too. I just want to be happy with everything. And being the douchebag that I am I always react to these kinds of things is the wrong sort of manner. I attack those closes to me and remove friends of mine as well that I don't feel comfortable around. Someone asked me the other day to image Adrian if I had never come here.....they didn't mean this in any ill way they were just posing the question. I have given it a lot of thought and I realized that nothing would be different, everyone would still be the same as they are now. Their drama would come and go. At first this bothered me that I really did not have that big of an impact on this campus or others, but then after thinking about it again I decided that it really was not that big of a deal. Alright so life would be the same with out me...oh well...C'est La Vie! I hate becoming so needy and whiney over things like this. I just get soooo fucking frustrated with things that I don't know if I can handle them. And currently this weekend was the weekend that was the straw that broke the camels back. I have promised myself that I will never leave my room ever again unless it is for work or classes. I am a fucking wreck right now!

[4] out of the closet * Want to come out? Burned out.... [06 Oct 2005|04:31am] [ mood | frustrated ] Wow...it's my senior and last year at Adrian and what do I have to show for it. Well not a whole lot. I was told the other day by my history adviser that I have to prepare myself for grad school which I have been doing and that I also need to know that I will not be as smart as the majority of other students I will be contenting with for grad. schools. Ugh...that is encouraging. As for my German major...I am thinking about dropping that to a minor. If I do that I will be able to graduate on time and not have to worry about taking fourteen more credits and studying over seas for a semester. I really am not happy with my German major at the moment for the fact that I do not know a damn thing and am bitched out nearly every class by my two different German teaches for my apparent shitty speaking and comprehension skills. McNeer claims I speak with a French accent, which I guess I do since I have had five years of French and that Elardo speaks with a southern accent. Every time I have Advanced German Conversation with him he has something else to bitch to me about to make me feel like shit. I don't even know what I want to do with my life anymore involving my majors. And my other classes are going shitty too. I want to kill myself in my Entomology class. What was I thinking for taking that damn class. No matter how hard I try to study and understand what and the hell is going on in that class it never seems to stick. And sometimes I think the prof. loves to put me on the spot and what me have mini-nervous breakdowns...lol. I am also sick of the fraternity. I have nearly put four hard years into it and I have very little to show for it other then the BOTs getting pissed with me because I am tired with this shit and don't want to do anymore. I mean I am not the other one in the fraternity. Look to some of the other guys and I don't want to hear about them getting pissed at me then talking shit to the other guys about me. I have decided that when homecoming does come around next weekend I am going to disappear and not be around. I am really not in the mood to be around anyone right now. Exspecially alumni because they never have anything nice to say about how things are going. Only that things are shitty and that we need to be doing better. I really don't think they realized how fucking stressed out I am with things at the moment. I have also starting giving up too. Why do I need to be the happy one all the damn time that needs to carry the burdens of the fraternity on my shoulders. I still want to move out of the damn house. Though I love living with Andrew and Dre, I really need to get away from the drama/stress of the house since the majority of the members have no idea what it means to act like adults and do shit on their own. I do have to say one thing though...I was happy with rush this year though. We have gotten eight really good guys. Though once again most of the brothers just sat on their asses and did nothing. I am really happy watching them though. I hope they do some good things. I can already see some of them replacing some of us old balls personality wise. I have also decided that from now on I am asexual. Since I am apparently the most disgusting thing around and cannot attract any decent man around here. Oh well I guess...that is one less thing I need to worry about.

[5] out of the closet * Want to come out? [20 Sep 2005|03:40am] [ mood | crappy ] So this semester is the semester that I feel like I am doomed to fail. All my classes are currently kicking my ass, exspecailly Advanced German Conversation. No matter how much I try in that class the teacher finds something wrong with how I speak. Case in point...earlier last week he told me that I speak German with a French accent. I responded that I have had five years of French so that might be the problem. Since whenever I try to think, speak, or write in German it goes from English to French then to German. Ugh! Every time I go to my Senior Research class my teacher there decides to change my topic in small ways, which is not bad but still fucks up my topic material and stuff. Then there is my Entomology class, which is a lot of fun though I never have an idea of what is going on other then today when we were talking about bugs having sex and me asking a million questions. The teacher also admitted today that he likes to pick on me, which he does and it cracks me up. Rush is finally coming to a close. We gave out only ten bids, but the ten are top notch guys in my mind. I hope that they all accept. Other then this something inside of me has been very uneasy.

[8] out of the closet * Want to come out? [14 Jul 2005|02:04am] [ mood | pessimistic ] So I am finally updating upon the request of a young lady...lol! Not a whole lot is going on here at Adrian. The Christ in Youth kids have come and gone...thank the lord above. 1200 running Adrian's campus learning about the Bible was insane. Since none of the really know what the Bible is or stands for. Sure they think they do but they don't. The kids were sexually harassing the girls that were standing on campus for the summer and destroying anything they got their little hands on. Also they would yell things at me. I am sure Jesus would have loved them for that. Also the SOAR kids are here which is really cool. They are a good bunch of kids that I have been having fun hanging out a little with. Other then this I have just been watching a lot of movies. The other day I went out with Lekha and met one of her friends. He is a really nice guy who I got to hang out with the other night. I realized too that I have a crush on him. I was told by someone that he likes me too, but I do not know how to take that. I hate this feeling! I feel really childish and stupid. I want to hang out with him more and he has offered for me to go out with him but I get scared and say that I have other things to do, even though I really do want to hang out with him more. Dear lord, why do I have to be such a chicken shit. For some reason I want to tell him how I feel but I cannot. I am so god damn lame. In other news...I got attacked tonight by a horde of Volleyball girls. I was going over to Jarvis to see Britt, Bianca, and Sarah when they started yelling at me for trying to get into the building. Five of them ran to the door to block it so that I could not get in, while other were hanging out windows telling me that no boys were allowed in the building. So I got pissed and left and told Bianca that they had to meet me at Ridge so that I could hang out with them. Other then this not a whole lot is going on. This Saturday I am going to be pretty busy. Katrina and Joel are coming to see me. I am going to Courtney's birthday party and then I am back on Adrian campus to hang out with Sarah. On Sunday I am going to hang out with ATO's Board of Trustees.

[4] out of the closet * Want to come out? [27 Jun 2005|08:59pm] [ mood | groggy ] Orientation is all over with. Hurray!!! Do not get me wrong friends, I had a blast doing it but it was very difficult at times running all around with only a few hours of sleep to back me up. I was a lot of fun though. Many of the first years were awesome. I tooled very one that I played Uno against and convinced one person that I was god and then allowed him to be my Jesus. I had a great conversation with several first years and a couple parents about many many interesting topics from abortion to really awesome gay people such as myself. I also met my twin I guess, some one who will be majoring in German and History, though he is not nearly as cool as me. LOL! I also got married during the last orientation to Linda, after we had been broke up for about two days. I cannot wait to see all of you in the fall. On to other news...WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS SHITTY WEATHER! I am tired of the heat. I am slowly melting. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and was in a puddle of my own sweet and thought that I had wet the bed. I thinking about blowing up the sun. I also talked Mike Gillian into buying those of us living in Lowry a sprinkler so that we can run around outside. I have also decided that I need to cut my stupid hair. I hate how hot it is outside and all one million pounds of hair on my head. If I do not get it cut in the next few days I am just going to catch it on fire. Well I need to poop...later gators!

[2] out of the closet * Want to come out? [18 Jun 2005|04:15am] [ mood | hungry ] Well the second session of Orientation is over and I have to admit that this one went by a lot easier. My group actually liked me from what I guess. LOL! I did not have any of them tell me that I am boring or lame and talk to much. I played another changing game of Uno and still am not defeated when I play for ones soul. I am slowly building up a small collection. Our skits went really well this time too. No complaints and from all the people who loved it, I am feeling pretty good. Oh...I am exstending an invitation to all my friends about my future marriage. During this week I found a wife and the lucky lady is Linda. We are planning of hold the marriage later this summer and Dr. Elardo will be our priest. I have decided that my best man will be Sarah Kabel so I hope she will be up to it. God am I tired and hungry!

[2] out of the closet * Want to come out? Heat is slowly eating away at my sanity.... [11 Jun 2005|09:59pm] [ mood | blah ] So I decided that if I ever have children I want them to look like this. http://www.swedin.net/Fun-Images/12.jpg

[9] out of the closet * Want to come out? BORED!!! [31 May 2005|07:07pm] [ mood | bored ] I really do not have a whole lot to write about. So I thought I would put this on here to get a few laughs out of some people. 1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you. 2. I will then tell what song reminds me of you. 3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be. 4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you. 5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you. 6. I will tell you what color you remind me of. 7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you. 8. Put this in your journal.

[5] out of the closet * Want to come out? Summer Days... [23 May 2005|06:02am] [ mood | calm ] Dear god I have not updated this thing in a million years. Well I am living in Lowry now for the summer as one of the RAs. From the first few days that I was living in here my room has been hating me. Sure it is a three person bed room which means it is huge with only one person living in it few very little junk to fill in the space. So far I have had an up side down pool in my room where my ceiling leaked for three days before someone came and fixed it. It that time span I managed to fill three small garbage cans full of water. And now tonight my room has apparently become the resident room for every giant insect on Adrian's campus. I had one huge spider nearly eat myself and Britt last night. I was never scared by a bug in my life until I saw this monster. The fucker ran at me and Britt. I swear it had teeth! Then a few hours later after I killed the little fucker and Britt and Andrew had left my room I was sitting at my computer in a daze when I heard something moving around next to me. I thought it might be a mouse or something and I looked over. To my horrid surprise a monster centipede was flying across my desk just a hair away from my hand. I jumped up and it ran away. I managed to crush the ass between my desk and dresser, but that did not stop it. It kept moving. So I beat the living shit out of it with my shoe, which I threw out into the hall and left it out there. After the spider mishap, Andrew told me it was going to lay eggs in my throat. I did not pay much attention to it until I saw the two hellish beast. For some reason I cannot sleep for fear of becoming a nesting ground for some monster bug that wants to fuck my mouth and lay eggs in it. Other then my bug problems not a whole lot has been going on. I have been playing Resident Evil 4, which I have beat five times now. So I rented Tales of Symphonia and it pisses me the hell off because I have no idea what I am doing in the game. Even when I use a walk-through. I have also watched the whole A&E series of Pride and Prejudice, which resulted in me speaking to myself with an old British accent for a few days. I also have enjoyed myself with watching the two Resident Evil movies with Britt and watching her shit her pants out of fear of zombies jumping out. Anyone who walks by my room can tell how bored I am because the only thing I have been listening to is the soundtrack to Fiddler on the Roof. As for my second job as an Orientation Leader for the incoming freshman...I mean first year friends...it has been alright. Other then a few mishaps and headaches from me slamming my head in the wall from my lacking of understanding with some people. Everything has turned out alright. My group was pretty cool though they seemed to be bored with me and at some times I was in fear of a coup. I am really glad thought that I had Linda and Sarah around to help me keep my sanity. I have found a new partner with the two of the with playing Uno. We all cheat like mother fuckers, whatever that means, but it is still a lot of fun. The best part while we were playing a rousing game of Uno was that I beat one of the freshmen and gained his soul out of it. As for the social aspect of the summer I have not gotten cabin fever yet but it is close at hand. I am glad that Britt in my fellow RA so that we can slowly go insane together and there are a few people staying in Lowry that are really cool. While there is a couple who have been annoying the shit out of me. I have also realized that I have had a nack lately for pissing people off for no apparent reason. One is a person who I thought was a good friend of mine and understood that when I am around that when I joke with him it is only out of fun and I did not mean to vex him, but now he thinks ill of me. I guess I pissed him off so much that he bitched me out one day and I still do not really understand why he is mad at me. But I am really glad that he told me. I know now not to joke around with him, if I ever speak to him again, since he is avoiding me like the plague. Oh well I guess! But the one person that really has been upsetting me lately is my former wife. Who I decided over the past few days that it is final. We are no longer husband and wife. From how she has been acting around me and a couple other friends of hers and mine that I just don't know what to do with her anymore. I am annoyed with how she can just so easily push people off to the side and treat them like they mean nothing to her. And when I do try and find her and hang out with her or just try and talk with her she ignores me or acts funny around me. If she doesn't want me around anymore I wish she would just tell me. The only time she really has gone looking for me is early this week when she wanted me to buy her alcohol and even then she sent someone else to do it for her. Whatever again I guess! If she wants to push me off to the side like some many other people she has met at Adrian then I guess I can't stop her. I do know that when she finishes her usual cycle of friends and does come back around to me, if she ever does, I doubt I will be as willing as her to be close friends ever again. There are many other things that have been bothering me about the whole thing but I really don't feel like writing about right now since my guard is down and I know some monster ass bug is waiting to eat my brains. Sigh...I have to help plan a cook out today with Britt for our summer residents. I guess with will be another learning experience with her. I already learned this weekend while playing whiffle ball that Germans don't know how to throw a ball. Plus when you tell them to throw it at you they aim for your face. Oh Biannca!!!

[6] out of the closet * Want to come out? [24 Apr 2005|12:32am] [ mood | depressed ] Well it is my last weekend at Adrian before everyone leaves and I go off to Vienna. Which means a weekend full of hanging out with friends and last minute fun and hilarity. I have been looking forward to this all week. Or that is what I had been hoping for. Instead I am alone in my room while everyone else went out and had fun with their friends and girlfriends. Whatever I guess! I will just sit in my room pissed. I mean friday was the ATO Beach Blast party which was fun filled. No wait that was me cleaning up after everyone either left or went to bed before the party even got started. I was told today by one friend that we were going to spend the day hanging out since he and I would not see each other in god knows how long. But when he got back to his room he played video games until his stupid ass girlfriend cried about being alone because she has problems with not being around him. Blah blah blah! Which made me feel very special. I am just so pissed off right now. I mean this is my last weekend. I did get asked to go to a party on Friday, P.S. the party was on Saturday, but I was on duty. I really don't know what to say. This last week had been a huge pain in my ass from being told at last minute that I was to help put together a mixer the night before it was going to happen. Which doesn't bother me other then the fact that no body had done anything for it. Then on Friday with the Beach Blast party I found out an hour before the party that nobody had done anything again and I had to get peoples asses in gear to get it all done in time. Maybe it is a good thing that I am leaving. Also this week I have been really annoyed with people who have never annoyed me before. My little Steve, who is a great guy don't get me wrong, has been rubbing me the wrong way. I have been trying really hard to make him a surprise package for when I leave but when I mentioned it to him, he just pushed it to the side like it was nothing. This really upset me because everyone has been telling me that he is going to miss me sooo much while I am gone but now I know that isn't the truth. I guess that it is good that this is happening. I mean if my friends didn't push me to the side like this then I would miss them when I leave.

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